Day 10: I Hit a Wall Doin' Like a Buck Twenty

I've never been in any sort of really exciting car wreck, though I have had some close calls, such as when I swerved out of the way of a fucking elk in Wyoming while I was going 80 mph and almost got completely smashed by a Wal-Mart big rig. Or when I had a bunch of shit on my windshield on the other side of Wyoming and then the sun hit it straight on, blinding me, and I almost drove off a cliff. That would have been something. And I would have been dead as hell in both examples had I not exhibited brilliant driving skills.

The 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS version of Ludacris, on the other hand, got himself into one of those bad situations (all this is before the events of the movie), did not exhibit driving skills awesome enough to get out of it and then drove straight into a wall at 120 mph. We discover this when Tyrese asks him if he races, and Luda is just like, "nah man."

Meanwhile, Ludacris has no limp or horrible scars or significantly lowered brain function (apparently?), and he may or may not do PSAs about reckless driving (probably not). I guess it's possible he just drove through the wall and it was actually totally fucking awesome, but the way Luda's tone of voice changes to being more morose than we've ever heard him (ever so slightly morose) makes me think that "hit a wall" means "hit a wall."

I think he's lying. I only know of one example of somebody driving into a solid, uncrunchable object at 100 mph, and that collision resulted in what I only know how to describe as a really bad case of exploded face. Here's what the car looked like post-op in this example.

It would be very fucked up of me to post a pic of what the girl driving that former car looks like after the wreck destroyed her head, so you'll have to go to this link to see it. (Seriously, don't click that because it's fucking horrible.)

Since this is the only actual-for-realzies story I know of that's about like what happened to my bro Luda, I assume it's impossible to do what he did while keeping your face. Of course, it's important to also note that apparently his penis no longer works (Luda: "When are you gonna pop my clutch?" Devon Aoki: "As soon as you get the right set of tools. And a penis that works."), so perhaps he just exaggerated how fast he was going to make up for his manly embarrassment over having to use a penis pump.

Day 9: The Internet

Have you ever seen THE NET? It's a mid-90s "cyberthriller" starring Sandra Bullock about how anybody can use the internet to do anything they want. It's a fucking awesome movie. (Remember, my taste is suspect; I voluntarily watch a FAST AND THE FURIOUS movie every day.)

There are a lot of "oh wow the internet" movies that came out in the 90s, and even flicks that weren't about the internet would inevitably have characters that made references to this new internet shit, just because it was the big new pop culture thing.

Like in all facets of entertainment, trends die hard. And so in the summer of 2001, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS arrived, and in the film, Vin Diesel proudly proclaims to Paul Walker that he found his criminal record on the internet, because "you can find anything on the internet -- anything about anybody."

He says this in a movie geared toward teenage bros who'd been jacking off to pictures of lesbians on the internet for at least a couple years. In fact, from the perspective of the old motherfuckers running the movie studios, most of the target audience (young people) are the bad guys, or will be the bad guys, because they understand that ridiculous computer mumbo jumbo that the old bros don't.

I have completely forgotten where I was going with this -- because I tried to write this while watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and something in my brain broke -- so I'm just gonna show you folks some pictures of Vin Diesel's face photoshopped onto some women's bodies. I found these on the internet (aha!), and so technically I'm still on topic.

Day 7: This Post Is 100% Misogyny

Even if you ignored Tyrese's statement near the beginning of the movie about needing Paul Walker's ass as a slip of the tongue, this scene, in which Tyrese takes off his shirt for no reason in order to show us all his toned and incredibly attractive torso, really drives home how gay this movie is.

John Singleton knew coming it that it would be like this, and so he also knew he had to do a better job of showing off some hot ladies than Rob Cohen did in the first movie. And he really, really tried, though we still ended up with this:

This silly-looking lady with the ridiculous hair shows up several times in the movie as part of Devon Aoki's entourage. But that's ok, because as I said in the last sentence, Devon Aoki is in this movie, and she is always wearing something insane. Like this:

That's hot as fuck. Also, there's this awesome thing Eva Mendes wears at the beginning of the movie.

Generally, Singleton did a pretty good job of gathering together a collection of ladies that are nice to look at. Here's the first pair of womens you get a good look at:

And here is Tyrese's "hoasis":

This is easily the most guilty I have ever felt about something I wrote. I blame the Braves for how this turned out, considering I wrote most of it during the six-run inning they gave up to the goddamn Astros tonight. Also, I sincerely apologize to any women who might have read this.

Day 2: Paul Walker vs. Eva Mendes vs. Tyrese

I was recently in a weird situation with a girl. We were each doing our own thing, basically not existing in each other's world --- as I was in California and she was in Alabama -- except for when we would talk to each other about goings on. As I said, it got kinda weird, because we got into each other's emotional shit, and, to me, once I moved back to Alabama, our relationship was ill-defined, and I didn't know where it was going. The relationship between Paul Walker and Eva Mendes in 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is like that.

The plot of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS provides no easy way for Paul Walker to have a love interest, but at some point -- I assume very late in pre-production -- a Universal exec saw what John Singleton and co. were planning for the movie and was like, "Hey, we need somebody for Paul Walker to make out with!" So then Eva Mendes was brought in to be the undercover Customs agent, but they still didn't really put in a romantic subplot.

Paul Walker and Eva Mendes are on screen with each on six occasions during the movie, and at no point do they talk about anything but this cop mission they're on. The fifth time they share the screen, Mendes is all sweaty and, presumably, smelly from running across Miami, and she warns him that his life is in danger, and then she kisses him.

The next time they see each other is at the end of the movie, after all the shit is over. They say hey and shake hands and kinda look at each other sweetly, and then Mendes leaves with the FBI hoss and the movie ends.

Er, hello? What the fuck is this? Here's my guess: Paul Walker and Tyrese dated back in Barstow when they were younger. Then Paul Walker meets this very attractive lady at the beginning of the movie, and he wants that shit. But, shortly thereafter, he reunites with Tyrese, and their flame is rekindled. Paul Walker is confused. He really wants this hot piece of strange he just met, but he also feels too loyal to Tyrese to make a move. Eva Mendes kisses him later because she doesn't know about all this gay subtext. In the end, Paul Walker chooses Tyrese.

Sounds about right.

A Quarter Mile at a Time, 365 Times

This past weekend, I watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS twice. I also watched FAST AND FURIOUS. Over the three weeks before this weekend, I watched all four of the movies in this franchise one time. If you're not good at math, that means that in the past month, I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS one time, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS three times, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT one time and FAST AND FURIOUS two times.

Near the end of my most recent viewing of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, I had a profound thought. What if I, over the next year, watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS every day? I pretty quickly realized how dumb of an idea that was, so I then came up with a perfectly sane alternative: I'll watch at least one entry in the franchise every day over the next year, and I'll also blog about it. That doesn't mean I won't end up watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS 300 times, but it also doesn't mean I have to.

I know what you're thinking. "Don't you have a job or a social life or something?" I do, in fact, have a job, but I do it from my couch. This means I will be physically capable of watching one of these movies every day without it interfering with my absurdly busy social life, which mostly involves not leaving my apartment and drinking liquor from the bottle.

One note: It is inevitable that there will be days when I cannot fulfill my self-proclaimed duties as a FAST AND FURIOUS connoisseur, whether it be because I'm tailgating all day on a football Saturday or because I am traveling for business or because I get fucking sick of watching these movies and instead experiment with hard drugs for that day. These "absent" days will not count against the 365-day total. I promised you a year's worth of days, and I ain't gonna cheat you by not giving 'em to you.

Day one is tomorrow, and I'm starting with film no. 1. Get excited.