Day 13: Almost Had Me?

When I lived in LA, I'd see famous people around sometimes. One time, I went to the movies on a Sunday morning, and I discovered that Keanu Reeves was sitting in the row in front of me. It was soooooo awesome, even though I hadn't started writing this blog and he didn't know yet who I was. We even made eye contact as we left the theater, and I immediately called all my friends to tell them about my amazing day.

So there's this one bro in the background of one shot in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, and he's basically me before this blog brought me a bunch of bags of poon.

We encounter this bro in the crowd when Vin Diesel is telling Paul Walker what a fucking tool he is after they race for the first time. Master Diesel looks over at him and is like, "Almost had me question mark"

Not realizing that Master Diesel was just putting on a show because he was way excited that somebody was actually looking at him, the bro tried to actually answer the question. He starts waving his arms wildly and says something like, "I don't know, man. I don't know hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." And then Vinny walks right on by.

But the man keeps on smiling hilariously, and he giggles to himself, and later that night he blogs about how he and super hunk Vin Diesel made eye contact. I feel you, bruh. I feel you. You're just one awesome blog about a gay-oriented action movie franchise away from being awesome. But until that day arrives, treasure these moments.

Day 7: This Post Is 100% Misogyny

Even if you ignored Tyrese's statement near the beginning of the movie about needing Paul Walker's ass as a slip of the tongue, this scene, in which Tyrese takes off his shirt for no reason in order to show us all his toned and incredibly attractive torso, really drives home how gay this movie is.

John Singleton knew coming it that it would be like this, and so he also knew he had to do a better job of showing off some hot ladies than Rob Cohen did in the first movie. And he really, really tried, though we still ended up with this:

This silly-looking lady with the ridiculous hair shows up several times in the movie as part of Devon Aoki's entourage. But that's ok, because as I said in the last sentence, Devon Aoki is in this movie, and she is always wearing something insane. Like this:

That's hot as fuck. Also, there's this awesome thing Eva Mendes wears at the beginning of the movie.

Generally, Singleton did a pretty good job of gathering together a collection of ladies that are nice to look at. Here's the first pair of womens you get a good look at:

And here is Tyrese's "hoasis":

This is easily the most guilty I have ever felt about something I wrote. I blame the Braves for how this turned out, considering I wrote most of it during the six-run inning they gave up to the goddamn Astros tonight. Also, I sincerely apologize to any women who might have read this.

Day 2: Paul Walker vs. Eva Mendes vs. Tyrese

I was recently in a weird situation with a girl. We were each doing our own thing, basically not existing in each other's world --- as I was in California and she was in Alabama -- except for when we would talk to each other about goings on. As I said, it got kinda weird, because we got into each other's emotional shit, and, to me, once I moved back to Alabama, our relationship was ill-defined, and I didn't know where it was going. The relationship between Paul Walker and Eva Mendes in 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is like that.

The plot of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS provides no easy way for Paul Walker to have a love interest, but at some point -- I assume very late in pre-production -- a Universal exec saw what John Singleton and co. were planning for the movie and was like, "Hey, we need somebody for Paul Walker to make out with!" So then Eva Mendes was brought in to be the undercover Customs agent, but they still didn't really put in a romantic subplot.

Paul Walker and Eva Mendes are on screen with each on six occasions during the movie, and at no point do they talk about anything but this cop mission they're on. The fifth time they share the screen, Mendes is all sweaty and, presumably, smelly from running across Miami, and she warns him that his life is in danger, and then she kisses him.

The next time they see each other is at the end of the movie, after all the shit is over. They say hey and shake hands and kinda look at each other sweetly, and then Mendes leaves with the FBI hoss and the movie ends.

Er, hello? What the fuck is this? Here's my guess: Paul Walker and Tyrese dated back in Barstow when they were younger. Then Paul Walker meets this very attractive lady at the beginning of the movie, and he wants that shit. But, shortly thereafter, he reunites with Tyrese, and their flame is rekindled. Paul Walker is confused. He really wants this hot piece of strange he just met, but he also feels too loyal to Tyrese to make a move. Eva Mendes kisses him later because she doesn't know about all this gay subtext. In the end, Paul Walker chooses Tyrese.

Sounds about right.

Day 1: Goddamn Street Racers

Today I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. It was, predictably, pretty awesome, and the relentless seriousness of the whole thing didn't bother me at all this time. And I still got aroused when Vin Diesel motorboats Michelle Rodriguez during that Rob Zombie montage, so this is starting off well. Substance (sort of) below:

I was a few weeks shy of 14 years old when THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS came out in 2001. To that point, I had spent my entire life in Huntsville, Alabama, a decent-sized city for the Deep South but a pretty boring place nonetheless. The idea that there was somewhere in the world in which a hundred cars would line a street to block it off just so other folks could race down it was beyond my imagination, and I knew immediately I wanted to get in on that shit.

I would later witness a few races outside the Target I worked at in high school, and when I moved to Los Angeles later on, I could watch street races outside my house after midnight most nights. It turns out this could be pretty annoying if I were, say, trying to sleep when they roared by. "Goddamn street racers," I'd mutter to myself, and then I'd smile ironically when I realized that my entire perception of reality, a perception that was ingrained in me by a Rob Cohen movie, had been turned on its head. Here's why.

Before Paul Walker and Vin Diesel and Ja Rule race at the beginning of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, Leon blocks and intersection with his car, and a pizza delivery guy immediately rolls up. "Goddamn street racers," he mutters to himself after Leon tells him to go away.

"So what you're trying to say, Phil, is that you're such a tool that you even quote shitty movies when you're alone in bed at night." Well, that wasn't really what I was trying to say, but, yes, that is absolutely true. What I'm actually trying to say is that I identify more closely with the fucking pizza guy than I do with any of the cool people in the movie.

I just looked in the mirror. To my chagrin I found I have no tattoos and am not wearing a muscle shirt or tank top or Chucks, and I don't look like Paul Walker or Vin Diesel or even Jesse the shrimpy car nerd. I am a huge disappointment to myself.

That concludes day 1.

A Quarter Mile at a Time, 365 Times

This past weekend, I watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS twice. I also watched FAST AND FURIOUS. Over the three weeks before this weekend, I watched all four of the movies in this franchise one time. If you're not good at math, that means that in the past month, I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS one time, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS three times, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT one time and FAST AND FURIOUS two times.

Near the end of my most recent viewing of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, I had a profound thought. What if I, over the next year, watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS every day? I pretty quickly realized how dumb of an idea that was, so I then came up with a perfectly sane alternative: I'll watch at least one entry in the franchise every day over the next year, and I'll also blog about it. That doesn't mean I won't end up watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS 300 times, but it also doesn't mean I have to.

I know what you're thinking. "Don't you have a job or a social life or something?" I do, in fact, have a job, but I do it from my couch. This means I will be physically capable of watching one of these movies every day without it interfering with my absurdly busy social life, which mostly involves not leaving my apartment and drinking liquor from the bottle.

One note: It is inevitable that there will be days when I cannot fulfill my self-proclaimed duties as a FAST AND FURIOUS connoisseur, whether it be because I'm tailgating all day on a football Saturday or because I am traveling for business or because I get fucking sick of watching these movies and instead experiment with hard drugs for that day. These "absent" days will not count against the 365-day total. I promised you a year's worth of days, and I ain't gonna cheat you by not giving 'em to you.

Day one is tomorrow, and I'm starting with film no. 1. Get excited.