Day 6: Why Do We Watch These Movies?

Well, why do we? I can't speak for anyone but myself, so that's all I'm gonna do here. I watch THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS saga for two things: the ridiculous eye candy and the gay subtext/text. Justin Lin understands this completely, and so we he took control of the franchise on TOKY DRIFT he went all out on the eye candy, throwing it at you at every opportunity.

(Yes, I skipped 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS. Some bros came over to drink last night, and they had already watched that one with me earlier in the week. So we watched TOKYO DRIFT instead. I'll come back to 2 FAST tomorrow.)

Here is the first shot in TOKYO DRIFT of a woman with a speaking part:

Sure, it's exploitative and crass, but it's ridiculous enough to be amusing, like when Martin Lawrence gets up close and person with a naked dead girl in Bad Boys II. Once the movie moves to Japan, this continues.

One of the bros who watched the movie with me pointed out that many of the cars in the film aren't at all good for either racing or drifting; I don't know if that's true, but assuming it is, the above shot explains why the filmmakers did what they did. This movie is not about logic; rather, it's about putting the coolest looking stuff on screen at all times. This means you put a girl's ass on screen in front of what looks to me like a tricked-out engine. Eye candy.

As a bonus, here's this:

That's basically what the rest of the ladies hanging out in the background of shots look like. Yay for bros!

Day 2: Paul Walker vs. Eva Mendes vs. Tyrese

I was recently in a weird situation with a girl. We were each doing our own thing, basically not existing in each other's world --- as I was in California and she was in Alabama -- except for when we would talk to each other about goings on. As I said, it got kinda weird, because we got into each other's emotional shit, and, to me, once I moved back to Alabama, our relationship was ill-defined, and I didn't know where it was going. The relationship between Paul Walker and Eva Mendes in 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is like that.

The plot of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS provides no easy way for Paul Walker to have a love interest, but at some point -- I assume very late in pre-production -- a Universal exec saw what John Singleton and co. were planning for the movie and was like, "Hey, we need somebody for Paul Walker to make out with!" So then Eva Mendes was brought in to be the undercover Customs agent, but they still didn't really put in a romantic subplot.

Paul Walker and Eva Mendes are on screen with each on six occasions during the movie, and at no point do they talk about anything but this cop mission they're on. The fifth time they share the screen, Mendes is all sweaty and, presumably, smelly from running across Miami, and she warns him that his life is in danger, and then she kisses him.

The next time they see each other is at the end of the movie, after all the shit is over. They say hey and shake hands and kinda look at each other sweetly, and then Mendes leaves with the FBI hoss and the movie ends.

Er, hello? What the fuck is this? Here's my guess: Paul Walker and Tyrese dated back in Barstow when they were younger. Then Paul Walker meets this very attractive lady at the beginning of the movie, and he wants that shit. But, shortly thereafter, he reunites with Tyrese, and their flame is rekindled. Paul Walker is confused. He really wants this hot piece of strange he just met, but he also feels too loyal to Tyrese to make a move. Eva Mendes kisses him later because she doesn't know about all this gay subtext. In the end, Paul Walker chooses Tyrese.

Sounds about right.

A Quarter Mile at a Time, 365 Times

This past weekend, I watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS twice. I also watched FAST AND FURIOUS. Over the three weeks before this weekend, I watched all four of the movies in this franchise one time. If you're not good at math, that means that in the past month, I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS one time, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS three times, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT one time and FAST AND FURIOUS two times.

Near the end of my most recent viewing of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, I had a profound thought. What if I, over the next year, watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS every day? I pretty quickly realized how dumb of an idea that was, so I then came up with a perfectly sane alternative: I'll watch at least one entry in the franchise every day over the next year, and I'll also blog about it. That doesn't mean I won't end up watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS 300 times, but it also doesn't mean I have to.

I know what you're thinking. "Don't you have a job or a social life or something?" I do, in fact, have a job, but I do it from my couch. This means I will be physically capable of watching one of these movies every day without it interfering with my absurdly busy social life, which mostly involves not leaving my apartment and drinking liquor from the bottle.

One note: It is inevitable that there will be days when I cannot fulfill my self-proclaimed duties as a FAST AND FURIOUS connoisseur, whether it be because I'm tailgating all day on a football Saturday or because I am traveling for business or because I get fucking sick of watching these movies and instead experiment with hard drugs for that day. These "absent" days will not count against the 365-day total. I promised you a year's worth of days, and I ain't gonna cheat you by not giving 'em to you.

Day one is tomorrow, and I'm starting with film no. 1. Get excited.