Day 8: Ladies Making Out With Each Other, and Other Things

Justin Lin pulls a pretty awesome trick at the beginning of FAST AND FURIOUS. He shows the title and then quick cuts back and forth between it and this shot:

And so now, every time I think of this movie, that image pops into my head. Well played, Justin Lin.

So, I did feel pretty guilty about my meat-like treatment of ladies this weekend, but I have to finish what I started, so as the title says, here's some pictures of ladies making out with each other, and other things, from FAST AND FURIOUS.

Who the fuck is that disgusting-looking bro there on the right in that last shot? Sheesh. I never noticed that guy before.

And I'll end with this shot of Jordana Brewster, who looks even better in 2009 than she did in 2010.

That concludes my misogynistic coverage of this franchise. I'm happy to get that out of the way early.

Day 4: A Vision of My Future

Thought it's certainly a lot of fun to make "get off my lawn" jokes about old dudes, have you ever wondered, perhaps, why these old dudes do little else but yell at kids who have dadgummed boom boxes? To understand, you'll need to see the world through their eyes for a change.

I was able to do this yesterday. It's hard to say exactly what happened to my brain that caused my perspective to shift so radically. My guess is that it's because I spent two hours looking at pictures of girls dressed up as Tifa Lockheart from Final Fantasy VII before I watched the movie. I got really upset in those two hours, because nobody but well known Japanese models seemed to be able to pull it off, and yet I kept looking at all these pictures of hunchbacked white girls in poorly made costumes. Also, kids were playing on my porch all day.

What this all adds up to, then, is that when I started FAST AND FURIOUS rolling, I was like, "Hot young females flaunting their shit and making out with each other! Car moving way faster than could ever be considered safe! Bright colors! Nipples poking through a tank top! I can't process this!"

Normally, all these things would thrill me. I'd be all like, "Yeah, bruh, Vin Diesel just made that giant fiery gas tank his BITCH!" But instead, because I was looking at it through the eyes of an old bro, it just felt like somebody was trying to murder me. Here's the best way I know to describe it, being from a place where all the white people are racist:

Imagine you're a racist female teenager, and a 6'6" black guy is sprinting at you, and he's got a gun in his hand. You'd be pretty scared, and you'd probably scream about how black people are awful and subhuman. It doesn't matter that he's actually 5'10", not running and not holding a gun, because your brain is racist, and all you can think when you see the dude is OH MY GOD HE WANTS TO STEAL ALL MY SHIT.

And when I watched FAST AND FURIOUS while my brain was emulating a old brain, I was just like, "Nah, this ain't really happenin'. this is just some young people bullshit that I don't understand because rabble rabble." And then I just wanted to drink some old people liquor like scotch or something to make it all go away. It was a horrifying and yet very enlightening experience.

What did I learn from this, now that I have returned to the land of young people? I learned that if I survive to old age and then no longer enjoy fast and furious motion pictures, I should just kill myself. Because a world in which THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS isn't awesome is not a world I wanna live in. A profound lesson indeed, I'd say.

A Quarter Mile at a Time, 365 Times

This past weekend, I watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS twice. I also watched FAST AND FURIOUS. Over the three weeks before this weekend, I watched all four of the movies in this franchise one time. If you're not good at math, that means that in the past month, I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS one time, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS three times, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT one time and FAST AND FURIOUS two times.

Near the end of my most recent viewing of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, I had a profound thought. What if I, over the next year, watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS every day? I pretty quickly realized how dumb of an idea that was, so I then came up with a perfectly sane alternative: I'll watch at least one entry in the franchise every day over the next year, and I'll also blog about it. That doesn't mean I won't end up watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS 300 times, but it also doesn't mean I have to.

I know what you're thinking. "Don't you have a job or a social life or something?" I do, in fact, have a job, but I do it from my couch. This means I will be physically capable of watching one of these movies every day without it interfering with my absurdly busy social life, which mostly involves not leaving my apartment and drinking liquor from the bottle.

One note: It is inevitable that there will be days when I cannot fulfill my self-proclaimed duties as a FAST AND FURIOUS connoisseur, whether it be because I'm tailgating all day on a football Saturday or because I am traveling for business or because I get fucking sick of watching these movies and instead experiment with hard drugs for that day. These "absent" days will not count against the 365-day total. I promised you a year's worth of days, and I ain't gonna cheat you by not giving 'em to you.

Day one is tomorrow, and I'm starting with film no. 1. Get excited.