Day 13: Almost Had Me?

When I lived in LA, I'd see famous people around sometimes. One time, I went to the movies on a Sunday morning, and I discovered that Keanu Reeves was sitting in the row in front of me. It was soooooo awesome, even though I hadn't started writing this blog and he didn't know yet who I was. We even made eye contact as we left the theater, and I immediately called all my friends to tell them about my amazing day.

So there's this one bro in the background of one shot in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, and he's basically me before this blog brought me a bunch of bags of poon.

We encounter this bro in the crowd when Vin Diesel is telling Paul Walker what a fucking tool he is after they race for the first time. Master Diesel looks over at him and is like, "Almost had me question mark"

Not realizing that Master Diesel was just putting on a show because he was way excited that somebody was actually looking at him, the bro tried to actually answer the question. He starts waving his arms wildly and says something like, "I don't know, man. I don't know hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." And then Vinny walks right on by.

But the man keeps on smiling hilariously, and he giggles to himself, and later that night he blogs about how he and super hunk Vin Diesel made eye contact. I feel you, bruh. I feel you. You're just one awesome blog about a gay-oriented action movie franchise away from being awesome. But until that day arrives, treasure these moments.

Day 11: how come i never c u drift ???

The subject of this post is one sentence Lucas Black types at Neela in some sort of instant messenger program. It is important to note that, in this movie, Lucas Black does not own a computer of his own, and since he's from Alabama, has probably just recently learned how to use one:

I guess we can all be thankful that Justin Lin and co. didn't go all the way and have him write "cum" instead of "come," at least. But Jesus fucking Christ. I hate everyone involved with putting that shot on my screen.

Day 9: The Internet

Have you ever seen THE NET? It's a mid-90s "cyberthriller" starring Sandra Bullock about how anybody can use the internet to do anything they want. It's a fucking awesome movie. (Remember, my taste is suspect; I voluntarily watch a FAST AND THE FURIOUS movie every day.)

There are a lot of "oh wow the internet" movies that came out in the 90s, and even flicks that weren't about the internet would inevitably have characters that made references to this new internet shit, just because it was the big new pop culture thing.

Like in all facets of entertainment, trends die hard. And so in the summer of 2001, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS arrived, and in the film, Vin Diesel proudly proclaims to Paul Walker that he found his criminal record on the internet, because "you can find anything on the internet -- anything about anybody."

He says this in a movie geared toward teenage bros who'd been jacking off to pictures of lesbians on the internet for at least a couple years. In fact, from the perspective of the old motherfuckers running the movie studios, most of the target audience (young people) are the bad guys, or will be the bad guys, because they understand that ridiculous computer mumbo jumbo that the old bros don't.

I have completely forgotten where I was going with this -- because I tried to write this while watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS and something in my brain broke -- so I'm just gonna show you folks some pictures of Vin Diesel's face photoshopped onto some women's bodies. I found these on the internet (aha!), and so technically I'm still on topic.

Day 6: Why Do We Watch These Movies?

Well, why do we? I can't speak for anyone but myself, so that's all I'm gonna do here. I watch THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS saga for two things: the ridiculous eye candy and the gay subtext/text. Justin Lin understands this completely, and so we he took control of the franchise on TOKY DRIFT he went all out on the eye candy, throwing it at you at every opportunity.

(Yes, I skipped 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS. Some bros came over to drink last night, and they had already watched that one with me earlier in the week. So we watched TOKYO DRIFT instead. I'll come back to 2 FAST tomorrow.)

Here is the first shot in TOKYO DRIFT of a woman with a speaking part:

Sure, it's exploitative and crass, but it's ridiculous enough to be amusing, like when Martin Lawrence gets up close and person with a naked dead girl in Bad Boys II. Once the movie moves to Japan, this continues.

One of the bros who watched the movie with me pointed out that many of the cars in the film aren't at all good for either racing or drifting; I don't know if that's true, but assuming it is, the above shot explains why the filmmakers did what they did. This movie is not about logic; rather, it's about putting the coolest looking stuff on screen at all times. This means you put a girl's ass on screen in front of what looks to me like a tricked-out engine. Eye candy.

As a bonus, here's this:

That's basically what the rest of the ladies hanging out in the background of shots look like. Yay for bros!

Day 3: Racial Harmony

Growing up in Alabama is weird. There's a lot of racism, and there's also a lot of black people. I was fortunate enough to be raised in an adamantly non-racist household, and so legitimate racism, once I encountered it, was as alien an idea as thinking that the act of eating will kill you.

At the same time, growing up in the South makes you very aware of racial issues, just because of all the history of prejudice in the region and because everybody outside the South thinks all the white folks down here are racist.

Watching THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT through those eyes, then, is quite intriguing. Here we have a summer movie about a white redneck, a black dude, a girl from Australia, a Korean-American and a bunch of Japanese people.

Compare that to Inception, the current summer "it" movie. That movie has a bunch of white people and Dileep Rao, the American son of Indian immigrants. Yes, that's just one example, but it's also the norm.

The fact that the cast of TOKYO DRIFT is ethnically diverse is not why I find it enthralling -- the driving sequences are the best of the series -- but it's just a nice thing to note. This is what colorblind casting looks like, and it's a very pleasant sight.

OK, so I didn't have any jokes to make tonight, and I'm sooooooooooo soooooooooo sorry. My bad. I'll correct that tomorrow, I promise.

Day 2: Paul Walker vs. Eva Mendes vs. Tyrese

I was recently in a weird situation with a girl. We were each doing our own thing, basically not existing in each other's world --- as I was in California and she was in Alabama -- except for when we would talk to each other about goings on. As I said, it got kinda weird, because we got into each other's emotional shit, and, to me, once I moved back to Alabama, our relationship was ill-defined, and I didn't know where it was going. The relationship between Paul Walker and Eva Mendes in 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is like that.

The plot of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS provides no easy way for Paul Walker to have a love interest, but at some point -- I assume very late in pre-production -- a Universal exec saw what John Singleton and co. were planning for the movie and was like, "Hey, we need somebody for Paul Walker to make out with!" So then Eva Mendes was brought in to be the undercover Customs agent, but they still didn't really put in a romantic subplot.

Paul Walker and Eva Mendes are on screen with each on six occasions during the movie, and at no point do they talk about anything but this cop mission they're on. The fifth time they share the screen, Mendes is all sweaty and, presumably, smelly from running across Miami, and she warns him that his life is in danger, and then she kisses him.

The next time they see each other is at the end of the movie, after all the shit is over. They say hey and shake hands and kinda look at each other sweetly, and then Mendes leaves with the FBI hoss and the movie ends.

Er, hello? What the fuck is this? Here's my guess: Paul Walker and Tyrese dated back in Barstow when they were younger. Then Paul Walker meets this very attractive lady at the beginning of the movie, and he wants that shit. But, shortly thereafter, he reunites with Tyrese, and their flame is rekindled. Paul Walker is confused. He really wants this hot piece of strange he just met, but he also feels too loyal to Tyrese to make a move. Eva Mendes kisses him later because she doesn't know about all this gay subtext. In the end, Paul Walker chooses Tyrese.

Sounds about right.

Day 1: Goddamn Street Racers

Today I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. It was, predictably, pretty awesome, and the relentless seriousness of the whole thing didn't bother me at all this time. And I still got aroused when Vin Diesel motorboats Michelle Rodriguez during that Rob Zombie montage, so this is starting off well. Substance (sort of) below:

I was a few weeks shy of 14 years old when THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS came out in 2001. To that point, I had spent my entire life in Huntsville, Alabama, a decent-sized city for the Deep South but a pretty boring place nonetheless. The idea that there was somewhere in the world in which a hundred cars would line a street to block it off just so other folks could race down it was beyond my imagination, and I knew immediately I wanted to get in on that shit.

I would later witness a few races outside the Target I worked at in high school, and when I moved to Los Angeles later on, I could watch street races outside my house after midnight most nights. It turns out this could be pretty annoying if I were, say, trying to sleep when they roared by. "Goddamn street racers," I'd mutter to myself, and then I'd smile ironically when I realized that my entire perception of reality, a perception that was ingrained in me by a Rob Cohen movie, had been turned on its head. Here's why.

Before Paul Walker and Vin Diesel and Ja Rule race at the beginning of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS, Leon blocks and intersection with his car, and a pizza delivery guy immediately rolls up. "Goddamn street racers," he mutters to himself after Leon tells him to go away.

"So what you're trying to say, Phil, is that you're such a tool that you even quote shitty movies when you're alone in bed at night." Well, that wasn't really what I was trying to say, but, yes, that is absolutely true. What I'm actually trying to say is that I identify more closely with the fucking pizza guy than I do with any of the cool people in the movie.

I just looked in the mirror. To my chagrin I found I have no tattoos and am not wearing a muscle shirt or tank top or Chucks, and I don't look like Paul Walker or Vin Diesel or even Jesse the shrimpy car nerd. I am a huge disappointment to myself.

That concludes day 1.

A Quarter Mile at a Time, 365 Times

This past weekend, I watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS twice. I also watched FAST AND FURIOUS. Over the three weeks before this weekend, I watched all four of the movies in this franchise one time. If you're not good at math, that means that in the past month, I watched THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS one time, 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS three times, THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT one time and FAST AND FURIOUS two times.

Near the end of my most recent viewing of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, I had a profound thought. What if I, over the next year, watched 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS every day? I pretty quickly realized how dumb of an idea that was, so I then came up with a perfectly sane alternative: I'll watch at least one entry in the franchise every day over the next year, and I'll also blog about it. That doesn't mean I won't end up watching 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS 300 times, but it also doesn't mean I have to.

I know what you're thinking. "Don't you have a job or a social life or something?" I do, in fact, have a job, but I do it from my couch. This means I will be physically capable of watching one of these movies every day without it interfering with my absurdly busy social life, which mostly involves not leaving my apartment and drinking liquor from the bottle.

One note: It is inevitable that there will be days when I cannot fulfill my self-proclaimed duties as a FAST AND FURIOUS connoisseur, whether it be because I'm tailgating all day on a football Saturday or because I am traveling for business or because I get fucking sick of watching these movies and instead experiment with hard drugs for that day. These "absent" days will not count against the 365-day total. I promised you a year's worth of days, and I ain't gonna cheat you by not giving 'em to you.

Day one is tomorrow, and I'm starting with film no. 1. Get excited.